Wednesday, 30 May 2012
I have been described (on many occasions) to be the most disorganised organised person known. An oxymoron? Yes it is, but it describes me completely.
I love being organised and having things written down and I love to be prepared.
Most of the time I don't end up being as organised and prepared as I had planned and/or would have liked. Who likes to admit being disorganised? Not me!!
Today Mish announced the location for Round 2 Finale....
Now before I head off on my horse with a little rant I want to ensure that everyone knows that I am sooooo happy for the Perth Crew. They have been loyal, enthusiastic and always visited the east coast - they really deserve to be hosting it this time round and I'm very excited for them.
Back to my problems ;)
I'm going on holidays in July to Hawaii. My pay, at the moment, is being diverted into an account for spending money. I don't have enough saved to cover Hawaii yet, so I can't justify spending the little money I have on a flight to Perth. I know I can afford it (as long as there's a sale or the prices don't skyrocket too much) but I won't be able to do anything about it until I return.
This is really frustrating me because after I met the wonderful girls last round, I couldn't imagine not doing finale. It's going to be the highlight of this round. It's my carrot to tempt me.
I've been thinking about this non-stop since it was released. How am I going to ensure that I'm there? What is within my control to arrange this?
I'm not really a sharing person so I'd need to look at getting my own room. So here's a challenge for my readers. Let's all help each other out.
Between now and Finale, I will need to come up with a minimum of $500 to cover travel, minimum of $300 for hotel - that's not even looking at a dress or anything. So without using your regular pay - how would you come up with that sort of money?
My first step starts this weekend. Ebay. Ebay is my favourite friend. All the dresses bought for finale are going up. I'll be ransacking my wardrobe and selling what I can. In fact I know I have two pairs of City Chic jeans that have hardly been worn - fingers crossed I can still get around $40 each for them!
The message I'm trying to get out is that when a problem comes up it might frustrate you. At first it may appear that there's no apparent and/or acceptable solution. In most cases this is where we give up. Don't give up. Go sleep on it. Come back tomorrow. Have a look at your hurdle again but from a different angle and with fresh well rested eyes.
If anyone has any awesome tips, please let me know.
Also, if anyone has any recommendations on flights/hotels, happy to hear them too.
As you know, I've been quieter than normal and struggling since finale. I've had enough.
NO MORE EXCUSES
Today I begin the next leg of this challenge. My grocery list is done and will be auctioned after gym.
I'm checking out a 24hr gym so I can't use my lack of time as an excuse.
This week I had a gain. This will be my first and last gain for this round.
I am committed.
I can do this.
I will do this.
The second photo is my motivation board.
Friday, 25 May 2012
Thursday, 24 May 2012
When my mum was my age, she was married with three kids.
When I look around most of my friends are married with kids.
Some are even divorced with kids.
I don’t have a lot of single friends left that don’t have kids.
This isn’t a bad thing, but it makes me a teeny bit jealous.
Up until about 3 or so years I ago, I swore I’d never have kids. I didn’t think I’d be capable of changing nappies or cleaning up spew. I still don’t know if I’d be capable but I can’t imagine growing old and never have had a child.
Being overweight with low self esteem and low self confidence I assumed that I wouldn’t meet someone in real life and I turned to online dating.
At first I created rules for myself to keep me safe and to protect me.
I set rules like we had to be communicating on a regular basis for at least 4 weeks before I would meet someone. I also didn’t decline anyone’s request until I’d spoken to them.
Thanks to my rules I have met so many guys from Rockhampton that it made me doubt that there was someone for me.
I want someone who compliments me.
I am single, no baggage, have my own place, a good job and a lot of hobbies. I didn’t think it would be that hard.
It seems that time and time again I attract guys that either have none of the above or I attract guys already in a ring committed relationship, ie engaged/married. I am completely blown away by the amount of guys who are not committed in their relationships even when there is a ring involved and even when I catch them out they deny it.
Many times I’ve thought about contacting their better (obviously) halves to fill them in but I don’t want to cop the brunt of the fallout. I don’t want to be the ‘home wrecker’ or the ‘other woman’.
Each time this information has come to light, I’ve blamed myself. Each time I keep getting told it’s not my fault.
Guess what? It is my fault. Not that they treat me bad and the lie to me, but because I let it happen. On each of these occasions, I’ve had the gut feeling telling me not to go there. Each time I’ve ignored it and hoped for the best because ideally, the idea of being in a happy relationship was so grand that I didn’t even think for a second that I couldn’t make it work.
In the past I used to be able to justify their actions in two seconds flat, almost give them the permission to have done what they did.
Not this time.
I don’t deserve this. I am not going to stoop to your level.
When I first begun this journey I had such a low opinion of myself that I’m disgusted looking back. I can’t believe how I treated myself much less how I spoke about myself and what my thoughts were like.
I know there’d be at least one of you reading this post and thinking the same. Be strong. You can change. You have the power to be who you want to be. It took me a long time to realise this but now that I have I’m on the journey of a lifetime.
It’s not always easy. In fact most of the time it’s damn hard. This is where I’m grateful that I’ve made some awesome friends through 12WBT. They keep me honest and they keep me on my toes.
This post wasn’t going to be so honest when I started writing it. I had no intention of blurting so much out. So many people in my life have no idea of the above. In fact I’m almost certain that even some of the guys that I’ve dated that fall into the above category will read this. It’s amazing how small the world is.
The bottom line is:
You are you because you let yourself be. If you don’t like where you’re at, you have the power to change it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Take one step at a time and you will get there. This is not a race, this is your life, your journey – enjoy the scenery along the way and enjoy learning to love yourself. xo
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
The sound of my alarm shatters my sleep.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Ouch - my head hurts.
Gargle. Gurgle. Gargle.
My tummy isn't doing well.
I pause for a second to recount the previous day/night - nope, I definitely only consumed half a champagne at my hair/makeup session and one champagne at finale after receiving my award. So why the hell was I feeling like this? I felt like I was hung over and I had ensured I hadn't drunk anything so that I wouldn't have to feel like this when I'd be spending a fair chunk of the day flying.
Then my head takes over. The internal argument begins. Do I skip my flight, have to pay to rebook a flight, rebook a room and go home tomorrow? Or do I suck it up and get on with it? In the past this is where I'd be arguing with myself for a considerable time before getting close to making a decision. Not this morning. Sandra had already mentioned the night before that she's always up early. After a rather late night I was feeling guilty but sent a quick text asking if she was up. She responds within a minute so I assume she was (I find out later she wasn't but I was too self-consumed at this point - the guilt didn't set in till later).
Sandra being the nurturing soul, came to my room to help me get to my plane on time. I opened a tub of yoghurt with the intention of eating it, but my body didn't really feel like swallowing it. I had a few sips of tea. Feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself, I didn't know what else to do. Then Sandra and I had a chat and it was almost like a light was turned on. The reason I was feeling so cr@p is because I hadn't fuelled my body properly the day before. All I'd eaten was scrambled eggs, coffee and a few protein balls - thank goodness I'd had them otherwise I would have been struggling to push 300 cals for the day. No wonder my body is in agony. On top of that I probably only drank about a litre of water - nowhere near the 2.5L I normally consume as a minimum. Feeling like this was simply my body protesting my actions the day before. Add a lack of sleep and yep, you've got a non-alcholic induced hangover. Almost seems a bit unfair as I didn't do the drinking.
So for my flight home, I started nibbling on things on the plane and had some milky tea and plenty of water. By the time I got home I was still very, very tired, but no other side effects. I did only the bare minimum before passing out in bed from exhaustion.
Today is Monday and I'm still tired. I've got a double job day, so won't be in bed till after 9pm tonight, but I'm already counting down till then!!
~~I had planned on posting my entries in order but I haven't had a chance to upload the pics to go with my Saturday post - so keep on your toes as I make it a bit random and expect the Saturday entry Tuesday night!!
Monday, 21 May 2012
I was so disorganised. I hadn't organised breakfast, snacks or anything else for that matter. I'm not normally this disorganised, but it happens and I knew I'd survive. Our inspirational team member Cathy had offered to cook me some eggs as I'd been to lazy to organise anything so I headed off to her room where I was met with other smiling, slightly nervous faces. I'd never had scrambled eggs made on water before, but I'm now a fan. Great way to cut out calories and I always love eggs so there's my first lesson of the day learnt.
With the volunteers setting off early, that left Bella and I. After a quick trip to the ATM to replenish my cash, we decided we'd walk to the workout. I mean we're part of a weigh loss and fitness program, seems a bit weird to cab it there when it's less than 5km away. In hindsight, I wish we'd cabbed it. The weather was cold and wet and by the time we go to workout my feet were like blocks of ice and I couldn't feel my fingers. It had been a nice walk, but would have been a lot better if the weather was nicer.
I managed to catch up with a lot of people from the 30+ Crew and also from the 30 Somethings Group - all round it was great!!
We smashed a Guiness Book of World Records Record by having 1165 participants in a circuit workout. Funnily enough, the previous record only had three hundred something participants. Nothing like doing pushups on wet, muddy grass in freezing cold weather - we all just JFDI! I managed to smash over 500 calories in the 55 minute workout and I was stoked with my burn as my effort had been somewhat "lacking".
Straight after workout was my next big challenge. My one on one session with Emazon. I wasn't quite sure what to expect or how it was going to work. All I knew was that I was freezing cold and wanted to be warm again. Emazon stands much taller than I expected and when we sat down to have a chat, I felt completely at ease. Within minutes I was blurting out anything and everything that I thought might help. Without going into too much detail, Emazon took all the pieces of my puzzle and put them in a bit of an order and gave me an idea as to where I was heading. I've seen numerous counsellors and so forth and for the first time ever I felt like the hour spent analysing and discussing my life wasn't a waste of time. I walked out of my session feeling tired but very hopeful and excited about the next leg in this journey of mine. I now know a little bit about what to expect from the mindset side and I already know what I can do from the physical side. It was like being given a map to follow for the rest of my journey. I now hold all the pieces to the map to enable my journey to continue. I have also decided that I need to do the workshops that Emazon facilitates. I want to take this to the next level. My goals and my life are changing so fast with everything I'm learning but I'm loving it.
I'm learning to see the people in my life differently, I have "hurdle friends" and "crutch friends" - you know the ones: the ones that only call on you when the chips are down and they need a hand. They're also the ones that can never be found when you call on that favour to be returned. After this weekend I've noticed that I seem to have a few of these, I've also learn to see that I've got a whole heap of friends that I can rely on that I haven't been a good friend back to - that's going to change! Last of all, I've also met a lovely group of people in person after chatting to them online and I believe these friends will be with me for life. It's uncanny how you can chat to someone on fb as part of a support group to then meet in person and have even more in common and click so much.
I've never been an emotional person but after sitting back and reflecting on the weekend last night, tears of joy flowed freely. I've never been so happy in my life as I am right now. I'm living my life in the now and I'm enjoying it. Who would have thought that an online body transformation program could transform my life the way it has. I don't regret a cent I've spent on this program and not a minute that I've spent following and researching it. The program and my newfound friends have helped me re-discover and re-friend myself. I'm back in control of my life and it's better than ever. I can't wait to start this next chapter!!
Friday, 18 May 2012
Woohoo!! I'm in Melbourne.
I'm pleased to announce that I made it down in one piece and the seats weren't half bad on the plane. I even managed to do the seatbelt up and the tray came all the way down - I've attached a pic as proof!
Meeting some of the girls on this journey with me has been amazing, the respect I have for these ladies and admiration, I can't find the words to describe it accurately. Let's just say that tonight is a memory I'll treasure dearly.
We enjoyed a lovely dinner at Mecca Bah Docklands - the lamb kebab were fantastic.
After dinner we discussed heading to the casino but being boring I opted for an early night.
When I got back to the room I thought I'd try in my dress with my new Bling (pics attached also).
I slid the dress on easily and I tried the necklace. Now I'm not a Bling girl, yet, but I was impressed. Then as I stepped towards the mirror to get a better look, my worse nightmare happened.
As easily as the dress slid in, it proceeded to slide off. OMG!! I don't have time for a new dress. I don't think I could consume enough to make it fit either. Talk about high maintenance drama queen in action right now.
Oh well, not much I can do this time of night.... Time for sleep and I'll let you know what happens tomorrow
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
I'm sure that's what you're shouting back at me.
Well there is. Although it may not seem like much for a single girl on a budget, it can become a burden.
Still not clued in to what I'm talking about?
Have you ever gone for a walk with someone and your shorts have decided to go for a trip south without your permission?
Walked around work and feel weird and realise your undies are slipping?
Worn jeans, bent over to pick something up and stand back up to realise your pants aren't following?
I've been there. Yup, all of those have happened and more...
So what's the solution?
I stop losing weight?
Do I buy a new wardrobe each time I lose weight? Preferably not unless someone wants to step up and become my financial sponsor and pay for new wardrobes full of clothes.
I didn't think I'd lost enough to make a big difference. On Sunday I went shopping. I only had a shoes and a bolero to find but out of curiosity I found myself drawn to shops like Lorna Jane and SunnyGirl.
Shops I'd never stepped foot in before.
All of a sudden sales assistants were asking if I needed help, almost like they assumed I would fit into their clothes. It was weird.
One convinced me to try something on. It fitted. WTF????!!!
I'm not used to this.
Normally it takes me an hour to go shopping and that includes groceries.
On Sunday I was at the shopping centre in excess of four hours! Yep I killed half my Sunday window shopping. I was completely amazed at what's in some of these stores and even more amazed that I could find something in nearly every store that fitted.
Wow. There aren't enough words to accurately describe the elation and excitement that ran through my bones that day.
It's definitely a day I won't forget in a hurry.
Back to wardrobe malfunctions. I'm looking for handy tips/hints on how we can keep wearing things when they're obviously too big. I'm going to be kind to myself and replace underwear for each size, but is there a cheat for other stuff. So far I'm safety pinning everything to save some $$. What do you do?
This last week has been out of control. Bad food choices, no exercise and getting sick. It's no surprise this week I declare a gain of 1.5kg.
Good news is that I'm back on the wagon 200% and after last night's pt I'm paying for it.
So even if things are hard, you've stuffed up and feel like giving up, don't. Consistency is the key.
Onwards and upwards
Monday, 14 May 2012
I put it all (all except chicken and Philly cream) together in a big pot (I use the slowcooker) and let it cook for around 12 hours. I chop the chicken up and put it in once the mixture is really hot, I also take the chicken out at the end, add the philly cream and give it a quick whiz with a stick blender before I add the chicken back in. You don't have to whiz it finely if you prefer a more chunky style soup :)
Saturday, 12 May 2012
No, I haven't disappeared and on the other extreme, I haven't been so committed that I've forgotten.
I've simply fallen into a trap.
I'm lost and alone and I struggle to see the light.
One might wonder how I can be lost when I'm sitting at home in my study tapping impatiently at the keys on my keyboard? Or one might wonder how I can be alone - I have over 400 facebook "friends" and I chat to a lot of them regularly. Struggle to see what light? What on earth does she mean? Obviously she's fallen off the wagon and had too much too drink....
On the contrare.
I'm still here. I'm still counting every calorie that passes my lips and I'm doing my utmost to increase incidental exercise and I'm still smashing out regular workouts.
So what happened? What's changed?
I've had a fantastic first round with results that I still can't get my head around. When I look in the mirror, I still see the first original photo I posted. I still can't see changes in the mirror, but I can in the photo I posted.
When I first started this journey, I was warned that it would be 4-8 weeks before I would notice any change and 12-16 weeks before others would. Well others are starting to comment and I still can't see it! My clothes have gone down in size and I now fit things I never thought I would again but still my brain just doesn't get it.
I'm not dumb. I got good grades at school, I have a really good job, I've got common sense. So why doesn't my brain get it? Why does it feel like I'm no longer connected to my body?
For this last week I've been feeling....ummm....different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first but after a lot of thinking and a lot of time on google, I worked it out. I feel disjointed. I feel almost like my body doesn't belong.
I've lost a lot of weight, a lot of cm and my whole shape is changing. I have more energy and I feel more alive than I ever have. It just doesn't feel like it's my body.
It feels almost like it's on lend and I'm waiting for someone to ask for it back.
The reason I feel alone is because I'm not sure if others have felt like this. I can't comprehend that people who have never experienced massive weight problems would even have a clue what I'm talking about. Those with weight problems, I don't know their journeys.
This has played with my mind on and off since the end of the round. Damned idle time!! When I'm kept busy, I don't have time to stop and analyse what's happening.
This feeling of lonliness and isolation has gotten to me. I'm feeling depression-like feelings. I'm not depressed, I know that, I'm just going through a change period.
In my resume I always write that I'm "easily adaptable to change" - am I really? Or does that just apply to work?
This week I've had more questions than answers. I've been bursting with questions but I haven't really been sure where to ask them. I should have asked here all along but I worried what others would think of me. In fact I worried about it so much that I tried to keep this to myself and it was consuming me.
Then I realised that if I was thinking this and feeling this, then maybe others are too. Maybe this despair isn't a unique feeling that only I have felt. Maybe there are others who have been through this and come out the other side.
I know now there is and I know I'm not alone.
Through this dark patch, I had an unlikely friend notice my change and reach out to me. I say 'unlikely' not because I don't value their friendship, because I do, but 'unlikely' because I never thought I'd build such trust with someone I'd only ever spoken to online. You know who you are Crossfit Superstar!! This friend has reached out to me daily to ensure that I'm okay, to encourage me to speak so that I can get through this.
Hell I'm a strong independant woman who shows no weakness - it took a lot for me to open up and even as I sit here tapping these words out of my fingertips I feel nervous.
So what am I doing about where I'm at in my journey??
I book a session with Emazon - click on the link if you're clueless as to who this is. Emazon is the master of mindset lessons and has been seen on Channel 10s The Biggest Loser. Next weekend I have 60 minutes with her to sort out my mindset. Help the brain catch up to the body.
Although I haven't sorted all my concerns/issues out - I'm now okay with that because I have a plan. I don't plan on just plodding along and doing nothing. I'm going to challenge my problems straight up and smash them down. I've been playing victim too long when it comes to myself. In the rest of my life I apply the rules of karma and I do my very best to not be a victim but this time the mentality slipped through without me noticing.
I'm not a victim. I own my journey. This journey is my choice and how it ends is up to me.
Even just saying the above line makes me feel empowered. The words are now flowing easier, so obviously it also helps to get things off your chest.
If you're currently on a weightloss journey and you're feeling like this and you want to vent to someone or you want support, then add me on twitter or like my facebook journey page and message me. This is not an easy journey but it is so worth it.
Unless you've walked in these shoes, don't judge me, you don't have that right.
I think I've got a recipe or two that I owe you so I'll pop those up tomorrow.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
This afternoon I thought I'd post some more of my eBay goodies away and check to see if any of my purchases had arrived. Whilst down at the shop I thought I'd duck in and pick up my own underwear for my next tanning session so I wouldn't have to go through that debacle again.
That's when I found out they only go up to a size 16 - oh my goodness - immediately I get a picture of a strung pork in my head and I wonder whether I should even bother. For $3.99 I figure what the hell and get them. Out of curiosity, when I got home I tried them on. To my amazement they fit!!! After having a rather ordinary day, I'm now feeling a lot better. I'll be back at work tomorrow and ready to smash the weekend!
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Monday, 7 May 2012
I thought I'd do something special and put together just a quick 5 minute youtube video to post rather than write stuff. That was this morning. Then I clicked upload. Twenty minutes ago it was at 83%. Now apparently it's failed uploading.
This means it'll take overnight to "load" so that I can share it.
So I'm not ignoring you today, in fact I wanted to make it special but technology seems to have a problem with me right now :)
So what did I do on the weekend? On Saturday I caught up with the Yeppoon Crew who were awesome and a complete inspiration! I also did my first 15km shuffle and I was proud of myself. I only officially timed the first 10km in preparation for the Rocky River Run and I came in at 89 minutes. That's 4 minutes faster than last year's last place getter. I'll be doing heaps of training and hopefully bring that number down. I know I'm not going to finish first or in the top ten, I just don't want to be last. My goal is not to finish last.
Anyway, that's it for me, I'll post the youtube link in the morning.
Hope you all had a good long weekend!!
Saturday, 5 May 2012
It's because I'm too fat that I don't go out. It's because I'm too fat I can't get a better job. It's because I'm too fat I attract numpties. It's because I'm too fat I have no money.
One way or another, I could twist and manipulate that one excuse to fit whatever scenario I needed.
I spent my evenings coming up with intricate social plans so that if somebody invited me somewhere and I couldn't use the above excuse to get out of it, I'd find something else.
I didn't attend my ten year high school reuning. Why? I thought I was too fat.
I haven't kept in touch with some friends from school that mean more to me now than they realise. Why? I thought they'd be embarrassed by my size.
In hindsight, I've sacrificed a lot because of my own feelings about myself and my weight.
Now that's changing and I'm scared right outta my pants! I'm losing the weight, I'm regaining my figure and my confidence. My self esteem is on the rise. Now that I'm losing the ability to use my 'safety net' excuse, I'm going to have to start dealing with the underlying issues. I'm going to have to face the truth. I've got to admit, this is terrifying. If I don't succeed at something now, or if I don't attract the right kind of guys or anything else, I soon won't be able to use my weight as my excuse.
I need to start taking a serious stocktake of what's in my life and what I do with it. I have a list of things that I'll do or become once I'm not fat. Ummm am I ready to conquer that list. Do I need to set some new goals perhaps?
In the midst of elation for what I've achieved and the anticipation of what the next round will bring, I now know that I will need to be digging deeper within to ensure that I become the person I want to be. I don't mean physically.
I'm also getting to know myself for the first time. I'm a strong, independant, single woman and I don't show emotion and I don't crumble easily. This can scare people off. Is this who I want to remain? All these changes are for me, so I know they'll be genuine and I know I'll do it.
I know they say the first step is hardest and Rome wasn't built in a day.
Either way, they both had a plan as to how it was going to happen.
I've always been very good at documenting and restructuring my plans and goals, but they seem to have been somewhat mislaid.
I between now and preseason for Round 2, I need to do some serious thinking. I need to look at establishing a new plan (because I wasn't prepared for the success Round 1 brought me), I need to set some new goals and make them more relative to my new lifestyle.
So many choices and so many options. I never for a second realised 6 months ago that today I would be a runner who blogs regularly and discussing this topic.
Just goes to show that you CAN do anything as long as you're ready to do it.
If anyone has any strategies they use, please feel free to comment as I'm sure I'm not the only one that's experienced these thoughts or feelings.
~~ On a side note, today is the first time I've smashed over 1000 calories in one session! Major triumph for me - it took close on 2 hours and 15 kms of jogging/walking. Enjoy the rest of your long weekend xo
Friday, 4 May 2012
I've already signed up for the next round which starts next week (well preseason does) so I don't have long to go.
In the meantime I'm doing my best at focussing on what I've been doing this round through.
I'm still amazed by my transformation and even more amazed at the number of people who have visited this site to check the pics out. I'm very humbled by the support I have out there.
It's Friday ahead of a long weekend, I'll try and check in before next Tuesday. In the meantime, keep safe and eat clean :)
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
I thought I'd come home from my PT session and do a nice video blog because I couldn't be bothered to type.
Well my 10minute video will apparently take 10 hours to upload. So this is it.
I'll post it when I get up in the morning and it will make reference to tomorrow tomorrow so it might be a little confusing :)